Satire – Prepare your Facebook Page for College

Disclaimer: Satire is a form of humor. Don’t really try any of this, unless you’re a pimply dweeb with a God complex.

It’s no secret that colleges comb the internet for dirt on applying students. Here is some advice on how to scrub away the dirt and replace it with fresh, sparkly glitter.

Deutsch: Glitter

What is dirt?

Really, you’re almost ready for college and you don’t know what dirt is? You want to remove all traces of anything embarrassing from the web. The dirtiest examples would be instances of drugs, drunkenness, nudity, or anything criminal. So you’ll begin by removing that picture of you in a thong, holding a beer, an Uzi, and a crack pipe. Immediately replace it with a nice photo of yourself in a rocking chair, reading a thick book and drinking Vitamin Water. Oops – you’re going to have to retake the shot. That “No Homos” t-shirt isn’t going to win you any style points.

Once you have replaced all of your interesting photos with boring, carefully staged ones that would be appropriate for 1950’s television, move on to your Wall (or Timeline, as Facebook is now introducing). Delete any references to your ever having had any fun, and replace them with quotes from famous philosophers.

“All truth is simple… is that not doubtly a lie?” – Friedrich Nietzsche

English: This is am image of Kyle David Kipp

Of course, none of this will look real if no one ever likes or replies to your comments. Just recruit a few friends, and instruct them to post really nerdy rubbish on each other’s sites.

Then you’ll want to edit your Info page. Begin with employment. Pardon, but you only had one crummy job at the soft-serve, and you were fired for writing nasty jokes with the colored sprinkles? No problem – remember the time you helped old Mrs. Wiggleboom with her groceries? You can add “senior charity” to your page.

Sports? What’s that? Leave this blank.

Art and Entertainment? Mozart, War and Peace, huge biographies, or anything by James Joyce. Movies, TV? Don’t watch ’em, except for the occasional documentary. Games? Too bourgeois.

English: A giant chess set at Chirk Castle, Wr...

And finally, you’ve come to Activities and Interests. Begin with the obvious “philosophy,” and sprinkle in “analyzing stock trends,” “world politics,” and “theoretical physics.”

That’s it – you’re now the biggest geek in your school. But you’re a geek with a scholarship!


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